Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Grieving

Grieving is a lot different this time around.  I've been through the grieving process for a grandparent and uncles, and although it's tough for them, grieving for your dad is far worse.
If you were to ask me how I'm doing (which most people right now who see me do), I'll tell you "I'm ok"...what I really mean is please don't ask me anymore.  I'm tired of people saying "I'm sorry"  "How are you doing?", etc.  I know that's what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone...there's not really anything you can say that I haven't heard.
My emotions are on the surface, I haven't really had the time to grieve properly, I don't know how or when the tears will come, but I'm afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That's not to say I haven't cried, I have...many different times, but I know there's going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I'm not prepared for it, but I know that it's not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).
Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I'm not doing it to be mean, I'm doing it because I'm just not wanting to talk.  I've turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don't want to chat with people.  It's not that I don't care about what' going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what's going on with me...on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.
Please don't get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I'm doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I'm just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won't avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don't say you are sorry...I already know that...I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad...let me go as "deep" as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me...don't pity me.
Add to all this, K's grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband's cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad's brother's son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren't expecting her to live long either.  Although I don't know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I'm just not sure how much more one person can take!
I'm somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it's something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, "It's not the big things, it's the little things."  She's right...it's not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I'm happy for him.  He's no longer in pain, he's healthy, he's with Jesus.  It's the little things, it's not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn't go the way I had expected.
Someday, I will have a "normal" life...but my new "normal" will be different than what it was before.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Our road has come to an end

I know I haven' t been the best at blogging lately, but have wanted to get on here the past few days to let you all know what has been going on.
As you may (or may not) know, my dad had been on a "Road to a Kidney" for some time now.  He started on Dialysis 3 times a week this past summer after his open heart surgery.  He fought as much as he could, however, I come today with a very heavy heart.
My beloved father passed away early Sunday morning.  He had said he was "tired" and just couldn't fight any more.  As hard as it is, I know my father is no longer in pain and is spending is days with our Heavenly Father.
I never had any doubt about my father's faith, but if I did, those doubts, they would have long since been gone.  We found a book that my dad had been writing in called "A Father's Legacy".  In it, we found out what an awesome relationship with God he had.  It was amazing...brought tears to our eyes to see how passionate he was about what it means to be a Christian and how he felt about his family.  What a great Legacy to leave behind!
I have decided to be sure to work on my "Reflections from a Mother's Heart" book that I have received.  No one knows how short life is...that was made all to clear for me this past summer when my cousin's wife (41) passed away of a heart attack and again with my dad who seemed fine just a few short days ago.
I have been so blessed with having that "Peace that Passes all understanding" that God gives (Philippians 4:7).  My heart is overwhelmed with the love and comfort from family and friends...some who lived close and those who live very far away.  The prayers were felt from the time I sent out a plea to pray on Wednesday (11/4/09), through dad's death (11/8/09), through the funeral (11/10/09), and even today.  We have the Memorial service this Saturday.  We are calling it a "Celebration of Pat's Life"...how appropriate!  We do need to celebrate all that my dad has done in his life and where he is now, standing on the streets of gold with Jesus...although, I'm sure he's probably fishing.
My thoughts are now getting all jumbled up in my head, so I'm going to stop for now.  Thank you to those who were praying for our family, we greatly appreciate it!