Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Grieving

Grieving is a lot different this time around.  I've been through the grieving process for a grandparent and uncles, and although it's tough for them, grieving for your dad is far worse.
If you were to ask me how I'm doing (which most people right now who see me do), I'll tell you "I'm ok"...what I really mean is please don't ask me anymore.  I'm tired of people saying "I'm sorry"  "How are you doing?", etc.  I know that's what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone...there's not really anything you can say that I haven't heard.
My emotions are on the surface, I haven't really had the time to grieve properly, I don't know how or when the tears will come, but I'm afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That's not to say I haven't cried, I have...many different times, but I know there's going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I'm not prepared for it, but I know that it's not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).
Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I'm not doing it to be mean, I'm doing it because I'm just not wanting to talk.  I've turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don't want to chat with people.  It's not that I don't care about what' going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what's going on with me...on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.
Please don't get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I'm doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I'm just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won't avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don't say you are sorry...I already know that...I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad...let me go as "deep" as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me...don't pity me.
Add to all this, K's grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband's cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad's brother's son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren't expecting her to live long either.  Although I don't know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I'm just not sure how much more one person can take!
I'm somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it's something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, "It's not the big things, it's the little things."  She's right...it's not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I'm happy for him.  He's no longer in pain, he's healthy, he's with Jesus.  It's the little things, it's not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn't go the way I had expected.
Someday, I will have a "normal" life...but my new "normal" will be different than what it was before.


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